In the beggining there was… something.

Here’s the deal: if I wanted to, right now, I could start a cult. I’m not talking a wacky monkey cult (because people would agree because it sounds fun) or something along those lines. I’m talkin full blown, goofey robes, everyone gets the brother or sister prefix in front of their name… with a possible mass suicide at the end.

Oh yeah. And I’d be declared the avatar of God on earth.

I’m not saying I am. I am most definitely not the avatar of God on earth. Anyone who knows me can attest to this. But I’m absolutely positive that I could find a group of people who would believe that I am.

Why would I do this, and how would I do it?

I’ll answer the latter first. Startng a cult requires two things: Charisma and confidence.

Charisma is required so that people will listen to you. You can’t be declared the avatar of the almighty on planet earth if no one wants to listen to you. I’m not over-flowing in the charisma department… but I have enough. Honestly, as long as you have more charisma than, say, a moldy rock, you’re probably going to get at least a few followers.

But Charisma is most certainly not the most important aspect of this equation. (Where C[harisma] + C[onfidence] = C[ult], also known as the C cubed methodology of religious improvisation, a term I invented just now)

No no no. Confidence is the key. You need to make people BELIEVE that you BELIEVE. The easiest way to do this is to simply believe… in yourself. Not necessarily believe in, for example, God. No no no. You just need to believe in the fact that people want to believe you. They want to follow someone who knows what they’re talking about. These people don’t. How could they know? How in the name of the Almighty (you) are they supposed to be certain about God? They’ve never seen him. He’s never shown up at their house, had some coffee, maybe had a few buiscuits. How are they supposed to know?

But you know. Oh yes. You’re happy to drink their coffee, eat their biscuits (embezzle their money, sleep with their wives… err… ahem.) and let them know that things are rough, maybe they’re a little shaky, but you know what? It’s all good.

That’s right. You DO know. You’ve interacted with the Almighty. You and him? You’re like *this*. He’s all about giving you the low-down on what’s goin on in the world. You’re more than happy to accept this responsibility, because you know about the greater good. You know that there are some terrible people in the world. There is some awful shit happening up in this little blue globes face. But there are some good people too. Good people like the person sitting accross from you, asking you about God, and giving you some damn fine coffee and biscuits (pass the butter, please?).

And when people hear that… well… if you say it right, if you fake enough sincerity, they’ll want to believe you.

Who wouldn’t want to believe that a genuinely kind and wonderful human being (you) thinks that they’ve earned themselves a spot in eternal bliss? And one for their lovely, lovely wife as well. But he can be trusted, because, him and the big guy are like *this*.

See?

And this is the problem with religion. If someone like me could potentially end up as a religious icon, then the system is, unfortunately, somewhat wonky.

Now, back to my earlier question. Why would I do this?

That’s fairly obvious. It’s not about having all sorts of wives to covet. Or cashing in on those old age pension checks. It’s about being important.

That’s what religion is about. It’s about common people wanting to feel important in the eyes of something bigger than them. It’s also, unfortunately, about common people wanting to be important in the eyes of all the people who want to feel important in the eyes of something bigger than them. These people generally run things, odly enough.

Religion has been a means of control over the general population for as long as there’s been a general population. One guy alone in a cave doesn’t need muc in the way of religion. But put two guys in there together, one of em is bound to say “I wonder where this cave came from. It sure is nice”. The catholic church is one of the wealthiest and oldest organizations in the world. If it weren’t about control, it wouldn’t have lasted this long because the people who want to control other people wouldn’t have been interested in it, and no one would have ran it as efficiently as they did. What’s the point in running an organization unless you’re in it for the long haul? Who has that kind of time for… gasp… charity? It most CERTAINLY wouldn’t be among the richest organizations in the history of humanity if it weren’t about control.

Now I’m not saying go out and burn your local church. The church has done a lot of good, on individual levels. People who become genuinely comfortable with their spiritual selves probably lead happier lives. There just isn’t a way to tell if they’re genuine. It’s the same as me, with my cult. I appear genuine, so I must be. Unless you’re a cynic… or a blasphemer. You wanna spend eternity writhing in hell? shame on you.

But seriously, people who genuinely “find God”, meaning people who achieve a sense of spiritual harmony, are the only ones of us who are truly “blessed”. Everyone else is faking it in order to fit in, or believes we die and rot.

What need do you have in feeling “blessed” if you think you’re going to die and rot? If I go through life expecting to be worm food in a few decades, I’d settle for feeling “happy” instead of “blessed”. Blessed doesn’t really play into my daily life.

So what’s my point? What am I trying to say? Why are you here?

I’ve got answers for ya! Fortunately, I’m witty, reasonably charming, I can crack a few jokes and I’m VERY interested in everything you say. You should most definitely listen to me. Here are your answers:

Go ahead. Find God. If you’re lookin for him, instead of looking for a crowd to run with, he’s lookin for you. I’m positive about this. If you don’t want to find him, then go find yourself some happiness. I’m sure he’s cool with that, provide you aren’t a jerk to other people.

But don’t listen to anyone else about all this stuff, because they aren’t you and they don’t know what you need. This, unfortunately, applies to me. How do I know what you need? Why should you follow my advice, unless you’re just some mindless thrall to the will of others?

It’s a tough one, alright.